Sarcastic Sex Toy Blog

Review: Cyberskin 3" Penis Extension

2012-01-26T17:26:00.000-05:00

The ambiguously-named Cyberskin 3" Penis Extension causes me, first off, to wonder whether the ware on offer is a three-inch extension for a penis, or an extension for a three-inch penis. Either way, ponder this:

This delightfully stretchy penis extension is made of CyberSkin, so you don't have to worry about sacrificing the look and feel of a real penis in order to make the most of the man you have! 3" may not sound like a lot, but it's definitely enough to make a big difference in how satisfying penetration feels. Best of all, the comfortable, skin-like material won't irritate him, so he'll be happy to wear this sensual sleeve for as long as you want! Don't be disappointed in your man's member any longer -- slip on the CyberSkin and have some fun!

I'll take it from the top:

"Delightfully stretchy"? Nothing delightful about a stretchy penis, synthetic or organic, extended or "classic."
"3" may not sound like a lot"? Er ... have you gotten the average vagina confused with a federal highway system?
"Best of all, the comfortable, skin-like material won't irritate him" -- well, physically, anyway. Well, except for the part about losing all sensation in the head of his penis. But I doubt he'd even notice with all the effort he now has to expend to maintain an erection while nursing a psyche now shattered like dollar-store peanut brittle. Anyone have a lifelike "ego extension" for sale?
"...he'll be happy to wear this sensual sleeve for as long as you want!" -- Such as in line at the DMV? While crying?

Click to buy!

Review: 8" Realistic Cock W/E-Z Rider Ball

2012-01-19T13:36:00.000-05:00

While my job here is to mock erotic novelties that look especially ungratifying, I must say that the 8" Realistic Cock W/E-Z Rider Ball does look like a person might receive her money's worth; sure, it's $73.25, but it's really quite a lot of sex toy.

That being said, the 8" Realistic Cock W/E-Z Rider Ball is clearly a replica of a common child's toy (sold here at Amazon as the "Ball Bounce & Sport Fun Hopper") that has, as Joshua Grosvent so eloquently put it, "gone sprung a dick."

Click to buy!

Not a sex toy.
My primary question is: just where in a Manhattan apartment does one keep an inflatable dildo ball? It appears that the dildo is removable, meaning I could perhaps store the dildo in a dresser drawer and camouflage the inflatable ball as a mere children's toy, hoping that no actual children visit and begin playing with it, because that would be creepy. However, not many adult women keep any type of inflatable toy balls around, so it would still be a bit suspicious, and besides, it is flesh-colored.

The other option would be to not only detach the dildo but also deflate the ball every time I store the 8" Realistic Cock W/E-Z Rider Ball, which means I'd have to blow it back up every time I wanted to use it, which is not generally a suitable "mood-setting" activity. Even if you're just trying to treat yourself right, no one wants to stop and inflate their E-Z ball (or worse yet, pull out the bike pump).

I suppose you could just store the whole thing upright in a closet, ready for action. Maybe toss a sweater over it.

Review: Inflatable Bondage Chair

2012-01-10T08:55:00.000-05:00

I read a joke today that prompted me to go review an S&M product for you:

One day a man came home from work to find his wife crying hysterically in the kitchen.

"What's wrong, dearest?" asked the confused husband.

"Oh darling," sobbed the wife, "I was cleaning little Suzie's room when I found whips, handcuffs and chains under her bed, along with a sadomasochistic porn magazine! What ever are we going to do?"

"Well," replied the man... "I guess a spanking is out of the question?"

Mmn-hmmn. And if you're looking for some good, wholesome S&M, why not try the inflatable bondage chair?

You will be bound to please your partner with this versatile Inflatable Bondage chair. Made of soft and comfortable materials, this chair is like sitting on cloud. The wrist and ankle restraints are padded to be comfortable for those naughty little encounters. The Velcro straps are adjustable to fit most sizes. Always use caution with restraint devices.

Because nothing says sexy like "KMart dorm furniture that requires a bicycle pump."

In what way is this chair "versatile"? You can strap someone into it in a normal sitting position. If you tried to put the person into some other position (rump up?) the chair would probably tip over. It needs a counterweight. This chair seems patently incompatible with heavy S&M, acupuncture, knife play, particularly pointy high heels, and that fun thing where one of you dresses up like a Transformer.

Also, regarding the picture on the box -- if you strap a woman into a chair before removing her one-piece leotard, you are too stupid to fuck.

Click to buy!
"It's Bound to Please!" Oh, ha.

Guest Review: Dolphin Erection Arouser

2012-01-07T13:41:00.000-05:00

Editor's Note: I don't normally do this, especially since this submission is intended to be serious, but today I received a guest review from a dolphin, and I felt the issues addressed were important enough to post this review of the Dolphin Erection Arouser.

Dear Editor,

I know you write a humor site, and it's not that I take issue with comedy -- but I have a serious issue with this so-called Dolphin Erection Arouser.

In my photo, it might look like I'm smiling, but I'm not. That's just what dolphins look like. Dolphins are not only supposed to have great big "smiles", they are supposed to have great big "erections." The lady dolphins, I daresay, have become accustomed to it.

And I'm not smiling because 1) I'm not fucking Shamu, and 2) I have Erectile Dysfunction.

So, imagine my delight when, after clicking on a link to my favorite comedienne's sex toy store, I discovered the Dolphin Erection Arouser.

But, oh, wait. "Made of jelly material, this ring is stretchy to fit all sizes. The small jelly animal tickles your clit."

"Jelly material" -- sure, fine. As a lonely single dolphin ... from time to time, I've been known to pummel a jellyfish.

"Stretchy to fit all sizes" -- really, now? I am a dolphin. Is your product prepared for a two-foot-long limp dolphin cock, you goddamn false-advertising Swedes?

"The small jelly animal tickles your clit" -- I HATE YOU. I DON'T HAVE A CLIT. I AM A MALE DOLPHIN TRYING TO ACHIEVE A FUCKING ERECTION AND YOU ARE NOT HELPING!

I HATE YOU. NO, I MEAN, I FUCKING HATE YOU, YOU SPECIESIST SWEDISH SEX-TOY CUNTS. I'D FUCKING RAPE YOU UNDERWATER IF I COULD GET A GODDAMN ERECTION!

Sincerely,
A Dolphin

Click to buy!

Review: Nipple/Testicle Teaser w/Proof

2012-01-01T17:10:00.000-05:00

The Nipple/Testicle Teaser w/Proof promises to tease two parts of the body of entirely disparate size and function. Can one, single-sized adult toy satisfy both comparatively small nipples and comparatively large testicles? It would be as if "Pipe Dreams," the manufacturer of the Nipple/Testicle Teaser, began marketing "Never Say Neighhhh! The dildo you can share with your horse!"

No. Just no.

The package text of this product suggests "Try it in the shower, bath, or spa!" Calls to top spas failed to return calls regarding official rules on bringing a Nipple/Testicle Teaser into the steamroom.

Click to buy!
The package also proclaims "Feels so warm & soft you'll think it's real." Think it's a real what? A live, organic, human-flesh Nipple/Testicle teaser birthed from its mother's suction cup, the way God intended?

And ... "with proof"? With proof of what? Get that suction tube off your balls. It's affecting your brain.

Review: Reckless Rabbit

2011-12-31T14:16:00.000-05:00

It appears that the Reckless Rabbit is a shoehorn-shaped vibrator with a hole in it for a penis.

That is, if you find intercourse to be incomplete without a power cord winding out from your and your partner's fused genitals, you may wish to purchase this product for the economical price of $12.75.

This product is also recommended by physicians for people whose genitals lack the natural ability to make distractingly loud buzzing noises during sex.

The product description reads:

You AND your partner will rave about the Reckless Rabbit because it is made to be shared! This uniquely designed, multi-speed vibrator will enchance your erotic interludes. It is quite versatile because simply by changing the direction of its placement on his cock, the naughty nodule and rambunctious rabbit can provide clitoral, testicular and/or anal stimulation. Take turns adjusting the hand held control to send a pulsating surprise to your partner's privates!

Unfortunately, it seems that the penile entryway is one-size-fits-all, meaning either that the whole thing is going to slide around like a motherfucker, or else you run the slight but serious risk of getting it stuck at the base of someone's penis, creating a vibrating cockring deathtrap.*

Doesn't "Reckless Rabbit" sound more like a character from a moralistic children's book than a sex toy? Perhaps the Reckless Rabbit could make his way into your panoply of bedroom tools along with his brethren the Usurious Tortoise, the Miserly Koala, and the Misanthropic Tree Squirrel.

Also, I wish people would say "naughty nodule" more often. I like to imagine that computer scientists say things like that when they have phone sex.

Click to buy!
*Every year, a small but embarrassed number of men lose their penises in cockring accidents. Always use a snap-on!

Review: Crystal Clear Doll

2011-12-23T13:20:00.000-05:00

The Crystal Clear Doll is in inflatable woman with a flesh-toned head but a transparent body -- all the better to see your own penis in action! I must admit that most regular women chronically get their own naked bodies in the way of this (undoubtedly breathtaking) view.

I'd like to go through the doll's promotional blurb line-by-line:

If it's true that men are more susceptible to visual arousal than women, he'll love Crystal.

Don't you mean "If it's true that men are more susceptible to being visually aroused by the sight of their own penises"?

She's our amazing see-through sex doll...

Well, technologically speaking, she's not that amazing. No more so than when you buy some rain boots or a new gun from Wal-Mart and you blow the bag up, draw a kissy-face on it with Magic Marker, and hump that shiznit. Yes, amazing!

...complete with three ready and willing holes.

I think all love dolls these days come with three holes. While some people are offended by the sexual use of one or more of the three referenced orifices, those people are not generally among the consumers of inflatable love dolls. I think the overlap in that Venn Diagram would be virtually nil. ("I want a love doll, but not a dirty whore love doll! Why don't you make single-orifice love dolls with their eyes shut so they can think about God? I'm writing to my Congressman, you pervert three-holed, open-eyed, whore-love-doll manufacturers!")

Enjoy her beautifully painted hair and face...

Because enjoying a doll's beautifully painted hair and face is very heterosexual. Do you also "enjoy" the frilly petticoats on the porcelain Mary, Queen of Scots doll you ordered from a full-page ad in Parade magazine?

...then watch the rest of the action as you see your cock pump in and out of her body.

Oh, I get it ... that's the heterosexual part.

It's crystal clear that this doll will give you hours of sensual pleasure.

At least that's better copywriting than the Titty Blow Masturbator got.

Click here to buy!
Look at her! Wasn't there some kind of movie in which this happened to Kevin Bacon?

Review: Double Date Dolls

2011-11-20T12:33:00.000-05:00

The beguiling product blurb for Double Date Dolls asks, not coincidentally, the same age-old question that the Sophists first posed, circa 500 BC, in Athens:

Ever want to get it on with two girls at the same time but do not want to pay for it?

"Then," continues our copywriter who has replaced the copywriter whose job was outsourced to Bangalore, "the double date is perfect for those who want to live out that dream. These two inflatable girls are perfect and ready to get fuck in any and all ways as you want! Best of all is when you are done you just release the air and store away. Don't you wish you can do that to a real women."

While I see the appeal of being able to store "a real women" in an otherwise-empty dresser drawer, ready for future trysts with the help of a simple bicycle pump, I'm not entirely sure that most men "wish (they) can do that to a real women." Can you imagine the hideousness -- the wrinkled, deflated skin, the sunken-in eyeballs -- of a real woman whose air has been released so as to be stored away? Would you want to have repeat fornication with a woman you had previously been able to fold, sweater-style?

To toss aside that question, note that the Double Date Dolls box offers "2 CHICKS 1 DICK (Your Dick Not Included)." Indeed! If someone already has your dick in a box and is trying to sell it back to you, I'm not sure you're in a position to take advantage of "six inputs of love."

So ... are you "ready to get fuck"?

Click to buy!

Review: Vibrating Hairbrush

2011-10-11T03:42:00.000-04:00

Vibrators and hairbrushes are both useful, if unrelated, devices. Much like, for instance, crankshafts and spoons, or birdcages and avocados. These are items that do not merit combination. Yet, for just ten dollars: the Vibrating Hairbrush.

If used as a hairbrush, the device is likely to become full of hair. If used as a vibrator, the device is likely to become imbued with what General Jack D. Ripper might call your "essence."

But if you're the sort of person who wants personal fluids in your hair and hair in your personal fluids ... enjoy!

Click to buy

Press: They like us, they really like us!

2011-09-08T17:31:00.000-04:00

See us in:
Poor Mojo Newswire
Unscathed Corpse

Review: Rich Bitch Doll

2011-07-11T10:43:00.000-04:00

Are you troubled by lingering class resentment? Does every episode of Sex and the City make you want to beat Carrie with her Manolos, and then hate yourself because you know who Carrie is and what Manolos are? Do you furtively pleasure yourself to Fashion Week press coverage, all while feeling that you are betraying the blue-collar values of your unionized brethren?

If so, perhaps you could take out your class-based aggression (or just your resentment against women in general!) on the Rich Bitch Doll and her "three bitchin' holes!"

According to the packaging: "She has uptown tastes but downtown needs!" Downtown needs? This leads me to either of two possible responses:

Aren't most people's needs (ahem) "downtown"?

or, possibly,
What are people doing down in Battery Park City that I don't know about?!

Here I am, of course, reminded of the immortal words of Billy Joel:

Uptown girlShe’s been living in her uptown worldI bet she never had a back street guyI bet her mama never told her why

I'm not sure the phrase "back street guy" still means what Billy Joel thinks it does.Click to buy!

Review: Finger & Thumb Kit

2011-07-09T20:43:00.000-04:00

The Finger & Thumb Kit allows you to "Enjoy good vibrations in multiple orifices with this wickedly designed adult toy."

Dear copywriters: Let's be precise, here. How about "Enjoy good vibrations in two orifices"? I really can't see how you have more options that that.

Now ladies, I realize that your own finger and thumb do not, properly speaking, vibrate. However, are they really so inadequate that you are willing to purchase a disturbingly Band-Aid colored artificial finger and thumb, which you will then, clearly, have to use your own finger and thumb to hold in place?

The presence of a disembodied finger and thumb in your lady parts reminds me of the possible consequences of gadgets such as the Anti-Rape Device (United States Patent 4237876), which sinks microscopic hooks into a the appendage of an attacker. Doesn't that sound dangerous not only to attackers, but also to your ladyparts?

Click to buy!

Review: Remote Control Butt Plug

2011-06-21T18:02:00.000-04:00

The Remote Control Butt Plug. Shortest review ever:

You can't reach it yourself, you lazy motherfucker?

Click to buy!

Guest Review: Kong the Realistic

2011-05-23T18:32:00.000-04:00

From comedian/musician Joshua Grosvent, a review of Kong the Realistic (Vibrating).

Now, when I am looking to purchase a sex tool -- I refuse to call them "toys" because what I am doing in the bedroom is 100% business -- but when I am looking for a new tool to add to my belt, I have a few strict criteria that I stick to. The first is that the price MUST be $69 because as we all know, that's the funniest of numbers.

Also, it must be at least 85% realistic because not only do I want my partner to be pleased, I also like to use the retired ones in my Halloween Funhouse and let's get real, a lime green 15 inch dick just doesn't scare the kids. And third, it MUST have a name that demands power and authority. With that said, when I saw "Kong The Realistic" I simply had to have it. It was so realistic that my grandmother whole-heartedly believed that her kitchen table had gone sprung a dick.

One of my favorite features is the realistic pubic hair. We've all gone to the barber and asked to donate our hair to Locks of Love, but sometimes our locks just don't meet the length requirement for those poor sick kids. Fear not, because they still go to a worthy cause; the fine folks over at Doc Johnson have incorporated your extra strands into products such as Janet – Bottoms Up w/ Hair and the aforementioned Kong.

But down to business- when something claims to be 9 inches with a 2.5 inch girth, I expect every centimeter and with Kong, I was not let down. Now, let me clarify that I am not a homosexual and I stick strictly to the ladies, but I have never been a fan of those three-some parties. I like the bedroom to be a conference where the only clients are myself and my lady friend, but I also recognize that she might crave the occasional double and/or triple penetration and that is when I bring in my tools.

Kong performed like a star.* He held strong and hard until the meeting was over and I do believe everyone left happy in the end. I would recommend this product for all ages, shapes and sizes.

- Joshua Grosvent

*Note: For added longevity, I hard-wired "Kong" through a DC Converter and a Deep Cycle Marine battery with a panic/ kill switch. All water proof copper wiring and heat sealed connectors. I find we get more juice and distance out of the 12 volt deep cycle than the standard 2 "AA" suggested. E-mail me for the wiring diagram.

Click to buy!

Guest Review: Lollipop Licks Edible Condoms

2011-05-21T11:05:00.000-04:00

Another guest review from comic Carolyn Castiglia, the Undiscovered Superstar:

The product description for Lollipop Licks Edible Condoms reads:
Delightful for licking and sucking, these edible condoms will give you and your lover hours of enjoyment. Wrap one around his penis the next time you're craving oral sex, and get ready for the most decadent dessert you've ever had. He'll go wild with anticipation as you tear away every last bite, nibbling and sucking until neither of you can take anymore. Take your lovemaking to new heights with this tasty treat.
People: DO NOT HAVE INTERCOURSE AFTER YOU EAT THE CONDOM! I DIDN’T KNOW AND LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO ME:

Just another prick to buy lollipops for.

The final word: Lollipop Licks Edible Condoms suck.

Click to buy!
Editor's note: Only $4.50! The "Lickum & Stickum" (registered trademark) on the package really gets me hot.

Review: 6" Clear Heels With Clear 2" Platforms, Money In Heel and Platform

2011-04-06T19:14:00.000-04:00

If you meet a stripper wearing the 6" Clear Heels With Clear 2" Platforms, Money In Heel and Platform, rest assured: she likes you for you. Really. Those bills you're stuffing in her thong? Utterly incidental. No, no, tell her about your childhood. She wants to hear! And sure, she'll come to your place later. Just buy a lap dance now, and some shooters, and shove the rest of your cash in between her implants.

Click to buy

It would be hard to one-up the trashiness of those shoes. Maybe if you had the word "ho-bag" tattooed on the inside of your vagina, and showed it to people waiting in line at the bank.

Review: Fist of Adonis

2011-03-18T18:09:00.000-04:00

The Fist of Adonis is notable in that it is not immediately identifiable by most people as a sex toy at all. It looks more like a prop for a low-budget horror film; strew a few of these and an occasional disembodied vagina on your front lawn, bring out the fake blood, and you have the beginning of a direct-to-video release.

The Fist of Adonis is a life-size rubber hand and arm.

That's it.

The description reads:

"Made to feel like the real thing. Crafted from an actual human hand, it is made of firm rubber. We recommend lubricant."

Yes, "we recommend lubricant." Because once you lube this puppy up and insert it into the body cavity of your choice, ecstasy will surely ensue!
Click to buy!

I was wondering why this is the fist of Adonis, specifically, instead of some male porn star, so I did some googling and came up with:

Adonis is a complex figure, for the outlines of his tale were fully part of Greek mythology, yet he also retains associations with his Semitic origins. The name "Adonis" is a variation of the Semitic word "Adonai", which means "lord", and which is also one of the names used to refer to YHWH in the Old Testament.

You could try taking the Fist of Adonis door-to-door to see if anyone would like to be fisted by God.

This product also creates the rather unfortunate impression that the correct way to fist someone with your actual, human arm is by forming a fist and then punching.

If there were fisting in Grand Theft Auto, I'm sure that's how it would go, but most non-video-game sex partners prefer a less violent approach.

I am also happy to report that this product comes in both "Ivory" and "Black." Long gone are the days that black people had access only to Ivory Fists of Adonis. Truly, our society has moved forward.

Guest Review: Rabbit Pearl Vibrator

2011-03-16T14:45:00.000-04:00

Enjoy this guest review by illustrator Molly Crabapple of the Rabbit Pearl Vibrator, a.k.a. "The Rabbit" from Sex and the City.

Women of my generation may experience a deep (although, at the moment, non-sexual) welling of nostalgic feelings about Lisa Frank, designer of many winged-pegasus-enhanced spiral notebooks and Trapper Keepers.

The Rabbit Pearl Vibrator:
When Lisa Frank does Dildos

I love Lisa Frank.

Sure, she may be smarmy. She may overdo it on the hot pink. She may even draw subjects -- ballerina bunnies, for instance -- that make today's sophisticated 8 year old turn up their nose in disgust. But, though Frank's work is known to cause testicles to leap back into the body, I love her all the same.

This is why I'm so psyched to find out she made a vibrator.

She may deny it, but Lisa baby, this couldn't be made by anyone else. The Rabbit Pearl Vibrator is so feminine, so pink, so filled to the brim with pop-rocks, that it doesn't feel like being rammed with a giant cock at all. And that's the Lisa Frank way.

I suppose its only natural that Lisa expand into the artificial dong market. Girls move on from Dancing Dolphin (TM) stickers to the delights of womanhood. Who better than their favorite artist to usher them through those "awkward years"?

It's the idealism of Lisa's project that really gets me. I see a movement. I see slumber parties across the land, each equipped with their own rabbit. I see kindly gym teachers. I see locker rooms after soccor practice. I see Lisa's dream, in all it's pink sapphic grandeur. Frankly, it brings tears to my eyes.

NOTE: Lisa Frank does not admit responsibility for the Pink Pearl Rabbit Vibrator.

- Molly Crabapple

Click to buy!
(Editor's Note: The package says, in true Lisa Frank style, "Built for ears & ears of fun!")

Review: Titty Blow Masturbator

2011-02-04T20:53:00.000-05:00

"Vaginas, Pocket Pals & Dolls" may sound to you like a Broadway musical, but it is actually a product category in the Sarcastic Sex Toy Store.

Like the Blueberry Tart Jelly Pocket Tush, this product promises to disembody a body part you never before realized could stand alone. Like an anus with a power pack, the Titty Blow Masturbator looks much like a cloning experiment conducted under questionable ethical guidelines, except with a special place reserved for your member.

Now, when I hear the phrase "titty blow," I, like any decent young woman, think about doing coke off someone's bosoms.

However, in this contest, "titty blow" refers to the "blow job" you will be receiving from this silicone facsimile mouth. The "titties" are smushed up against, and attached to, the mouth, to create the ecstasy-inducing sensation of extra chunks of plastic somewhere in the vicinity of your testicles.

In order to maintain the portability of this device, it seems that the "titties" have been scaled down to a fraction of their normal size, while retaining their spherical shape, so if you enjoy women who, under the right circumstances, would be able to swallow their own breasts whole, the Titty Blow Masturbator is for you.

The product description -- finely hand-crafted by a copywriter living in a special group home -- boasts "Just shove your dick over the titties and pass the jelly gums, look out titty toy here I cum."

I don't know about you, but I'd like to see more erotic product phraseology containing the phrase "jelly gums." That gets me every time.

Click to buy!

Review: Blueberry Tart Jelly Pocket Tush

2011-02-03T14:43:00.000-05:00

Of all the products in the "Anal Pocket Pals" category, I chose the Blueberry Tart Jelly Pocket Tush because of its liltingly innocent name.

"Made of super soft jelly, the blueberry tart is the perfect portable pocket ass. Multi-speed vibrations are controlled by the power pack."

Who knew you could disembody an anus?

As compared to the Janet Bottoms Up or the Futurotic Piece of Ass ("allows you into the backdoor to ecstasy!"), the Blueberry Tart Jelly Pocket Tush sounds so benign and childlike. Like one of Strawberry Shortcake's friends. Once upon a fine summer's day, Strawberry, Orange Blossom, and Blueberry Tart Jelly Pocket Tush were having a tea party....

It's like the portable anus you could bring home to mother.

Click to buy!
Tush! Who says "tush" anymore?

Welcome to the Sarcastic Sex Toy Blog

2011-02-02T11:55:00.000-05:00

We're not really trying the sex toys ourselves. We may or may not not even have a penis and/or a vagina. We certainly don't have both.