Review: Nipple/Testicle Teaser w/Proof

The Nipple/Testicle Teaser w/Proof promises to tease two parts of the body of entirely disparate size and function. Can one, single-sized adult toy satisfy both comparatively small nipples and comparatively large testicles? It would be as if "Pipe Dreams," the manufacturer of the Nipple/Testicle Teaser, began marketing "Never Say Neighhhh! The dildo you can share with your horse!"

No. Just no.

The package text of this product suggests "Try it in the shower, bath, or spa!" Calls to top spas frequented by the likes of Linday Lohan, Gwyneth Paltrow, and Oprah failed to return calls regarding official rules on bringing a Nipple/Testicle Teaser into the steamroom.


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The package also proclaims "Feels so warm & soft you'll think it's real." Think it's a real what? A live, organic, human-flesh Nipple/Testicle teaser birthed from its mother's suction cup, the way God intended?

And ... "with proof"? With proof of what? Get that suction tube off your balls. It's affecting your brain.