Monday, May 23, 2011

Guest Review: Kong the Realistic

From comedian/musician Joshua Grosvent, a review of Kong the Realistic (Vibrating).
Now, when I am looking to purchase a sex tool -- I refuse to call them "toys" because what I am doing in the bedroom is 100% business -- but when I am looking for a new tool to add to my belt, I have a few strict criteria that I stick to. The first is that the price MUST be $69 because as we all know, that's the funniest of numbers.

Also, it must be at least 85% realistic because not only do I want my partner to be pleased, I also like to use the retired ones in my Halloween Funhouse and let's get real, a lime green 15 inch dick just doesn't scare the kids. And third, it MUST have a name that demands power and authority. With that said, when I saw "Kong The Realistic" I simply had to have it. It was so realistic that my grandmother whole-heartedly believed that her kitchen table had gone sprung a dick.

One of my favorite features is the realistic pubic hair. We've all gone to the barber and asked to donate our hair to Locks of Love, but sometimes our locks just don't meet the length requirement for those poor sick kids. Fear not, because they still go to a worthy cause; the fine folks over at Doc Johnson have incorporated your extra strands into products such as Janet – Bottoms Up w/ Hair and the aforementioned Kong.

But down to business- when something claims to be 9 inches with a 2.5 inch girth, I expect every centimeter and with Kong, I was not let down. Now, let me clarify that I am not a homosexual and I stick strictly to the ladies, but I have never been a fan of those three-some parties. I like the bedroom to be a conference where the only clients are myself and my lady friend, but I also recognize that she might crave the occasional double and/or triple penetration and that is when I bring in my tools.

Kong performed like a star.* He held strong and hard until the meeting was over and I do believe everyone left happy in the end. I would recommend this product for all ages, shapes and sizes.

- Joshua Grosvent

*Note: For added longevity, I hard-wired "Kong" through a DC Converter and a Deep Cycle Marine battery with a panic/ kill switch. All water proof copper wiring and heat sealed connectors. I find we get more juice and distance out of the 12 volt deep cycle than the standard 2 "AA" suggested. E-mail me for the wiring diagram.
Click to buy!

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