Double Date Dolls

The beguiling product blurb for Double Date Dolls asks, not coincidentally, the same age-old question that the Sophists first posed, circa 500 BC, in Athens:

Ever want to get it on with two girls at the same time but do not want to pay for it?

"Then," continues our copywriter who has replaced the copywriter whose job was outsourced to Bangalore, "the double date is perfect for those who want to live out that dream. These two inflatable girls are perfect and ready to get fuck in any and all ways as you want! Best of all is when you are done you just release the air and store away. Don't you wish you can do that to a real women."

While I see the appeal of being able to store "a real women" in an otherwise-empty dresser drawer, ready for future trysts with the help of a simple bicycle pump, I'm not entirely sure that most men "wish (they) can do that to a real women." Can you imagine the hideousness -- the wrinkled, deflated skin, the sunken-in eyeballs -- of a real woman whose air has been released so as to be stored away? Would you want to have repeat fornication with a woman you had previously been able to fold, sweater-style?

To toss aside that question, note that the Double Date Dolls box offers "2 CHICKS 1 DICK (Your Dick Not Included)." Indeed! If someone already has your dick in a box and is trying to sell it back to you, I'm not sure you're in a position to take advantage of "six inputs of love."

So ... are you "ready to get fuck"?


Click to buy!

Guest Review: Dolphin Erection Arouser

Editor's Note: I don't normally do this, especially since this submission is intended to be serious, but today I received a guest review from a dolphin, and I felt the issues addressed were important enough to post this review of the Dolphin Erection Arouser.

Dear Jen,

I know you write a humor site, and it's not that I take issue with comedy, or with human comedy, or with your comedy -- in fact, I greatly enjoyed your History of Philosophy in 90 Seconds -- but I have a serious issue with this so-called Dolphin Erection Arouser.

In my photo, it might look like I'm smiling, but I'm not. That's just what dolphins look like. Dolphins are not only supposed to have great big "smiles", they are supposed to have great big "erections." The lady dolphins, I daresay, have become accustomed to it.

And I'm not smiling because 1) I'm not fucking Shamu, and 2) I have Erectile Dysfunction.

So, imagine my delight when, after clicking on a link to my favorite comedienne's sex toy store, I discovered the Dolphin Erection Arouser.

But, oh, wait. "Made of jelly material, this ring is stretchy to fit all sizes. The small jelly animal tickles your clit."

"Jelly material" -- sure, fine. As a lonely single dolphin ... from time to time, I've been known to pummel a jellyfish.

"Stretchy to fit all sizes" -- really, now? I am a dolphin. Is your product prepared for a two-foot-long limp dolphin cock, you goddamn false-advertising Swedes?

"The small jelly animal tickles your clit" -- I HATE YOU. I DON'T HAVE A CLIT. I AM A MALE DOLPHIN TRYING TO ACHIEVE A FUCKING ERECTION AND YOU ARE NOT HELPING!

I HATE YOU. NO, I MEAN, I FUCKING HATE YOU, YOU SPECIESIST SWEDISH SEX-TOY CUNTS. I'D FUCKING RAPE YOU UNDERWATER IF I COULD GET A GODDAMN ERECTION!

Sincerely,
A Dolphin

Click to buy!

Review: Cyberskin 3" Penis Extension

The ambiguously-named Cyberskin 3" Penis Extension causes me, first off, to wonder whether the ware on offer is a three-inch extension for a penis, or an extension for a three-inch penis. Either way, ponder this:

This delightfully stretchy penis extension is made of CyberSkin, so you don't have to worry about sacrificing the look and feel of a real penis in order to make the most of the man you have! 3" may not sound like a lot, but it's definitely enough to make a big difference in how satisfying penetration feels. Best of all, the comfortable, skin-like material won't irritate him, so he'll be happy to wear this sensual sleeve for as long as you want! Don't be disappointed in your man's member any longer -- slip on the CyberSkin and have some fun!

I'll take it from the top:

• "Delightfully stretchy"? Nothing delightful about a stretchy penis, synthetic or organic, extended or "classic."
  
  
• "3" may not sound like a lot"? Er ... have you gotten the average vagina confused with a federal highway system?
  
  
• "Best of all, the comfortable, skin-like material won't irritate him" -- well, physically, anyway. Well, except for the part about losing all sensation in the head of his penis. But I doubt he'd even notice with all the effort he now has to expend to maintain an erection while nursing a psyche now shattered like dollar-store peanut brittle. Anyone have a lifelike "ego extension" for sale?
  
  
• "...he'll be happy to wear this sensual sleeve for as long as you want!" -- Such as in line at the DMV? While crying?

Click to buy!

Review: Rich Bitch Doll

Are you troubled by lingering class resentment? Does every episode of Sex and the City make you want to beat Carrie with her Manolos, and then hate yourself because you know who Carrie is and what Manolos are? Do you furtively pleasure yourself to Fashion Week press coverage, all while feeling that you are betraying the blue-collar values of your unionized brethren?

If so, perhaps you could take out your class-based aggression (or just your resentment against women in general!) on the Rich Bitch Doll and her "three bitchin' holes!"

According to the packaging: "She has uptown tastes but downtown needs!" Downtown needs? This leads me to either of two possible responses:

1. Aren't most people's needs (ahem) "downtown"?
   
   or, possibly,
   
   
2. What are people doing down in Battery Park City that I don't know about?!

Here I am, of course, reminded of the immortal words of Billy Joel:

Uptown girl
She’s been living in her uptown world
I bet she never had a back street guy
I bet her mama never told her why

I'm not sure the phrase "back street guy" still means what Billy Joel thinks it does.


Click to buy!

Guest Review: Lollipop Licks Edible Condoms

Another guest review from comic Carolyn Castiglia, the Undiscovered Superstar:

The product description for Lollipop Licks Edible Condoms reads:

Delightful for licking and sucking, these edible condoms will give you and your lover hours of enjoyment. Wrap one around his penis the next time you're craving oral sex, and get ready for the most decadent dessert you've ever had. He'll go wild with anticipation as you tear away every last bite, nibbling and sucking until neither of you can take anymore. Take your lovemaking to new heights with this tasty treat.

People: DO NOT HAVE INTERCOURSE AFTER YOU EAT THE CONDOM! I DIDN’T KNOW AND LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO ME:


Just another prick to buy lollipops for.

The final word: Lollipop Licks Edible Condoms suck.

Click to buy!
Editor's note: Only $4.50! The "Lickum & Stickum" (registered trademark) on the package really gets me hot.

Review: Crystal Clear Doll

The Crystal Clear Doll is in inflatable woman with a flesh-toned head but a transparent body -- all the better to see your own penis in action! I must admit that most regular women chronically get their own naked bodies in the way of this (undoubtedly breathtaking) view.

I'd like to go through the doll's promotional blurb line-by-line:

If it's true that men are more susceptible to visual arousal than women, he'll love Crystal.

Don't you mean "If it's true that men are more susceptible to being visually aroused by the sight of their own penises"?

She's our amazing see-through sex doll...

Well, technologically speaking, she's not that amazing. No more so than when you buy some rain boots or a new gun from Wal-Mart and you blow the bag up, draw a kissy-face on it with Magic Marker, and hump that shiznit. Yes, amazing!

...complete with three ready and willing holes.

I think all love dolls these days come with three holes. While some people are offended by the sexual use of one or more of the three referenced orifices, those people are not generally among the consumers of inflatable love dolls. I think the overlap in that Venn Diagram would be virtually nil. ("I want a love doll, but not a dirty whore love doll! Why don't you make single-orifice love dolls with their eyes shut so they can think about God? I'm writing to my Congressman, you pervert three-holed, open-eyed, whore-love-doll manufacturers!")

Enjoy her beautifully painted hair and face...

Because enjoying a doll's beautifully painted hair and face is very heterosexual. Do you also "enjoy" the frilly petticoats on the porcelain Mary, Queen of Scots doll you ordered from a full-page ad in Parade magazine?

...then watch the rest of the action as you see your cock pump in and out of her body.

Oh, I get it ... that's the heterosexual part.

It's crystal clear that this doll will give you hours of sensual pleasure.

At least that's better copywriting than the Titty Blow Masturbator got.


Click here to buy!
Look at her! Wasn't there some kind of movie in which this happened to Kevin Bacon?

Review: Finger & Thumb Kit

The Finger & Thumb Kit allows you to "Enjoy good vibrations in multiple orifices with this wickedly designed adult toy."

Dear copywriters: Let's be precise, here. How about "Enjoy good vibrations in two orifices"? I really can't see how you have more options that that.

Now ladies, I realize that your own finger and thumb do not, properly speaking, vibrate. However, are they really so inadequate that you are willing to purchase a disturbingly Band-Aid colored artificial finger and thumb, which you will then, clearly, have to use your own finger and thumb to hold in place?

The presence of a disembodied finger and thumb in your lady parts reminds me of the possible consequences of gadgets such as the Anti-Rape Device (United States Patent 4237876), which sinks microscopic hooks into a the appendage of an attacker. Doesn't that sound dangerous not only to attackers, but also to your ladyparts?


Click to buy!

Review: The Senso Cock Pleaser

Somewhere in a wood-paneled '70s holdover ranch house in Burbank, retired porn-stars-turned-marketing-executives slicked back their mullets, checked their acrylic nails, and buckled down to work on the advertising text for the Senso Cock Pleaser:

This super stretchy cock pleaser is better than the real thing! Just spread her legs and ravage her tight, soft pussy!

The Senso Cock Pleaser is, it seems, sister to the Butt Banger, both of them stretchy, miniature, decapitated love dolls.

"Better than the real thing?" By that, I wonder, is it meant that having sex with the Senso Cock Pleaser is superior to sex with a full-size, living woman, or that sex with the Senso Cock Pleaser is superior to having sex with a life-and-blood stretchy, miniature, decapitated Tinkerbell?

I must agree, however, with the claim that this product offers a "tight pussy" -- in fact, I'd say that, as this product is a penis-sized facsimile woman, that, in fact, her entire torso is "tight."

Note from the photo that the tiny woman is not only headless, but also:

• pigeon-toed
  
• possessed of an enormously thick neck

Hott!

I must admit that "having a neck thick enough to stretch around the penis of a man over 100 times one's own size" is not a feature most live women offer.


Click to buy!

Review: Du-Magic Softee Ring, Hot Pink

Enjoy a guest review from comedienne Carolyn Castiglia:

According to this product's description, “this extremely soft cock ring has dozens of pliable nodules and an even greater surface area to help stimulate even more of the clitorous, vaginal lips, and anus. Helps maintain your erection longer, too!”

I don’t know about that, but I sure do love the way it matches my shoes! Nothing turns my husband on more than a well-coordinated cock-ring/loafer combo!


Thanks, Du-Magic Softee Ring and FABCO Shoes for keeping our marriage alive!

Click to buy!

Review: Vibrating Hairbrush

Vibrators and hairbrushes are both useful, if unrelated, devices. Much like, for instance, crankshafts and spoons, or birdcages and avocados. These are items that do not merit combination. Yet, for just ten dollars: the Vibrating Hairbrush.

If used as a hairbrush, the device is likely to become full of hair. If used as a vibrator, the device is likely to become imbued with what General Jack D. Ripper might call your "essence."

But if you're the sort of person who wants personal fluids in your hair and hair in your personal fluids ... enjoy!


Click to buy

Review: Nipple/Testicle Teaser w/Proof

The Nipple/Testicle Teaser w/Proof promises to tease two parts of the body of entirely disparate size and function. Can one, single-sized adult toy satisfy both comparatively small nipples and comparatively large testicles? It would be as if "Pipe Dreams," the manufacturer of the Nipple/Testicle Teaser, began marketing "Never Say Neighhhh! The dildo you can share with your horse!"

No. Just no.

The package text of this product suggests "Try it in the shower, bath, or spa!" Calls to top spas frequented by the likes of Linday Lohan, Gwyneth Paltrow, and Oprah failed to return calls regarding official rules on bringing a Nipple/Testicle Teaser into the steamroom.


Click to buy!
The package also proclaims "Feels so warm & soft you'll think it's real." Think it's a real what? A live, organic, human-flesh Nipple/Testicle teaser birthed from its mother's suction cup, the way God intended?

And ... "with proof"? With proof of what? Get that suction tube off your balls. It's affecting your brain.

Review: 6" Clear Heels With Clear 2" Platforms, Money In Heel and Platform

If you meet a stripper wearing the 6" Clear Heels With Clear 2" Platforms, Money In Heel and Platform, rest assured: she likes you for you. Really. Those bills you're stuffing in her thong? Utterly incidental. No, no, tell her about your childhood. She wants to hear! And sure, she'll come to your place later. Just buy a lap dance now, and some shooters, and shove the rest of your cash in between her implants.


Click to buy

It would be hard to one-up the trashiness of those shoes. Maybe if you had the word "ho-bag" tattooed on the inside of your vagina, and showed it to people waiting in line at the bank.

Press: some sites that have reviewed this blog

Poor Mojo Newswire
Unscathed Corpse
Sexblo.gs

Review: Reckless Rabbit

It appears that the Reckless Rabbit is a shoehorn-shaped vibrator with a hole in it for a penis.

That is, if you find intercourse to be incomplete without a power cord winding out from your and your partner's fused genitals, you may wish to purchase this product for the economical price of $12.75.

This product is also recommended by physicians for people whose genitals lack the natural ability to make distractingly loud buzzing noises during sex.

The product description reads:

You AND your partner will rave about the Reckless Rabbit because it is made to be shared! This uniquely designed, multi-speed vibrator will enchance your erotic interludes. It is quite versatile because simply by changing the direction of its placement on his cock, the naughty nodule and rambunctious rabbit can provide clitoral, testicular and/or anal stimulation. Take turns adjusting the hand held control to send a pulsating surprise to your partner's privates!

Unfortunately, it seems that the penile entryway is one-size-fits-all, meaning either that the whole thing is going to slide around like a motherfucker, or else you run the slight but serious risk of getting it stuck at the base of someone's penis, creating a vibrating cockring deathtrap.*

Doesn't "Reckless Rabbit" sound more like a character from a moralistic children's book than a sex toy? Perhaps the Reckless Rabbit could make his way into your panoply of bedroom tools along with his brethren the Usurious Tortoise, the Miserly Koala, and the Misanthropic Tree Squirrel.

Also, I wish people would say "naughty nodule" more often. I like to imagine that computer scientists say things like that when they have phone sex.


Click to buy!
*Every year, a small but embarrassed number of men lose their penises in cockring accidents. Always use a snap-on!

Review: Butt Banger

For the first time here on SarcasticSex.com, I am reviewing a gay male-themed toy, gifted with the stereotype-defying name "Butt Banger."

When I first beheld this object I had a hard time parsing its anatomy, which is never a good sign with a sex toy. For a handheld device, the orifice seems precariously tiny, which, if your $26.75 is supposed to get you multiple uses of the Butt Banger, likely indicates that the entire thing is very stretchy. Could be good, though; perhaps other portable anuses simply aren't elastic enough.

No no, the perplexing thing about the Butt Banger is that, when rendered as a handheld masturbation sleeve, the torso, buttocks, and thighs of a man bent over for rear entry look rather like a giant cock and balls, with the torso being the shaft and the buttocks being the balls and ... it's like a giant fractal! Like snowflakes and snail shells, portable anal masturbators are truly part of the wondrous web of nature's majesty. In fact, I might go so far as to say that the Butt Banger is proof of intelligent design! Who but a crafty god could have had a hand in this?

As in the case of the Titty Blow Masturbator, in which the breasts have been scaled down in order to be conveniently affixed to the lower chin, the Butt Banger features a scaled-up set of "teasing balls and penis for incredible stimulation," bent backwards from the tiny headless body so as to rub you the right way.

So, if you fantacize about having anal intercourse with a Lilliputian, removing his internal organs and replacing them with lube, and then filling up his entire headless body with your penis, this toy is for you!


Click to buy!

Press: This site was just on the radio

I just now got off the phone with Lou Ruggieri, host of radio program The Stress Factor, recorded live at Montclair State University (pictured). I discussed this blog on the air, but in somewhat euphemistic terms, referring listeners to the site to find out what T.B.M. stands for.


Jen discusses the Sarcastic Sex Toy Blog on "The Stress Factor"

Review: 5x Giga Power Space Explorer Chrome Bullet Vibe

The 5x Giga Power Space Explorer Chrome Bullet Vibe is a:

"Multi-speed vibrating bullet with raised bumps for an exciting ride."

I am gratified to see that this product has raised bumps. I often search long and hard (tee hee) for a sex partner whose penis has raised bumps, but for some reason they always die shortly thereafter. So much for my "exciting ride."

I notice that the product packaging on the 5x Giga Power Space Explorer Chrome Bullet Vibe says "Try Me Buy Me." This is certainly an unusual offer from a vendor of adult toys. Usually if you "try" adult toys in the store, the police are dispatched straight to your location in the back corner.

I am uncertain, based on my study of previous entries in the chrome bullet field, whether "5x giga" represents a substantial scientific achievement in chrome bullet engineering. 5x what? Giga what? According to the encyclopedia:

Giga (symbol: G) is a prefix in the SI system of units denoting 109, or 1,000,000,000. In computing, giga can sometimes mean 1 073 741 824 (230) for information units, eg gigabit or gigabyte, but can also denote 1,000,000,000 of other quantities, e.g. transfer rates.

The makers of this product should have specified whether the "5x giga" is then 5,000,000,000, or 5,368,709,120, and also whether this number represents the number of times the bullet will vibrate, or some other relevant figure. All I know is that the previous "4x giga" model didn't get me off, this failing the Jenisfamous Exciting Ride Test, a benchmark in the design world. We can only hope that the 5x giga model will remedy this design flaw.

I do appreciate the Star Trek style packaging of this item, as well as the chrome color that suggests that the item you have handily slipped into your favorite orifice is, in fact, space age. But calling it a "space explorer"? Is it going to map my territory and report back to the Federation?

Additionally, I think that if an adult novelty device is "exploring" your space, that means that the device is not nearly large enough. If it's getting lost in there, you're not having sex, you're watching Innerspace.

If a lady referred to a gentleman's member as a "space explorer," I should think it an insult.


Click to buy!

Review: spam posted to my blog comments

My last post on this blog received 34 comments, 33 of which are spam, largely for penis enlargement programs and premature ejaculation cures.

Spam #1:

Hey, I was searching blogs, and came onto yours, and I like it.... If you got time , go visit my site, it´s about stop premature ejaculation It pretty much covers stop premature ejaculation and other similar topics available.

You came onto my blog? Why would someone want stop premature ejaculation and other similar topics available-related advice from someone who blows his load about blogging?

Your site is about stop premature ejaculation? Do you hate gerunds?

Finally, I must ask, what other similar topics available might be covered on a stop premature ejaculation website? Stopping premature female ejaculation? I don't know anyone who really considers that a problem. Oh Jesus, everything is even wetter! Why did you do that, honey? You need help. Go visit my site, it's about stop premature female ejaculation and it pretty much covers stop premature female ejaculation. And put some dry panties on!

Spam #2:

I found your **keyword** blog by accident, great info keep it up. I will be checking back often now that I know you are here!

I have been running my own site about laser hair removal orange county for some time now and I am only just getting into blogging.

Only just getting into blogging? No! Really? Do you have a **keyword** blog? Do your checks say "Your Name Here"?

How much laser hair does Orange Country have?

Spam #3:

I have a average length male penis related info site. It covers average length male penis related information.

Thank you for explaining that your average length male penis related info site covers average length male penis related information, and for specifying that the penises are "male." Sometimes I have a hard time understanding what kind of things might appear on what kind of websites. You'd be surprised how many people fail to provide an explanation with this level of detail.

I was gratified to see that someone has finally created a website about average length male penises, as above-average length male penises are currently overrepresented on the internet. What type "related information" do you have available regarding average length male penises? Perhaps you could tell me what penis length is "average." Do you have personal stories and narratives from men who have average length male penises? Are the penises also average in girth, or is there a variety?

I think I would like to visit your average length male penis related info site to see if I could meet a man who wouldn't come onto my blog.

Review: Remote Control Butt Plug

The Remote Control Butt Plug. Shortest review ever:

You can't reach it yourself, you lazy motherfucker?


Click to buy!

Review: 8" Realistic Cock W/E-Z Rider Ball

While my job here is to mock erotic novelties that look especially ungratifying, I must say that the 8" Realistic Cock W/E-Z Rider Ball does look like a person might receive her money's worth; sure, it's $73.25, but it's really quite a lot of sex toy.

That being said, the 8" Realistic Cock W/E-Z Rider Ball is clearly a replica of a common child's toy (sold here at Amazon as the "Fun Hop") that has, as Joshua Grosvent so eloquently put it, "gone sprung a dick."


Click to buy!


Not a sex toy.
My primary question is: just where in a Manhattan apartment does one keep an inflatable dildo ball? It appears that the dildo is removable, meaning I could perhaps store the dildo in a dresser drawer and camouflage the inflatable ball as a mere children's toy, hoping that no actual children visit and begin playing with it, because that would be creepy. However, not many adult women keep any type of inflatable toy balls around, so it would still be a bit suspicious, and besides, it is flesh-colored.

The other option would be to not only detach the dildo but also deflate the ball every time I store the 8" Realistic Cock W/E-Z Rider Ball, which means I'd have to blow it back up every time I wanted to use it, which is not generally a suitable "mood-setting" activity. Even if you're just trying to treat yourself right, no one wants to stop and inflate their E-Z ball (or worse yet, pull out the bike pump).

I suppose you could just store the whole thing upright in a closet, ready for action. Maybe toss a sweater over it.

Review: Inflatable Bondage Chair

I read a joke today that prompted me to go review an S&M product for you:

One day a man came home from work to find his wife crying hysterically in the kitchen.

"What's wrong, dearest?" asked the confused husband.

"Oh darling," sobbed the wife, "I was cleaning little Suzie's room when I found whips, handcuffs and chains under her bed, along with a sadomasochistic porn magazine! What ever are we going to do?"

"Well," replied the man... "I guess a spanking is out of the question?"

Mmn-hmmn. And if you're looking for some good, wholesome S&M, why not try the inflatable bondage chair?

You will be bound to please your partner with this versatile Inflatable Bondage chair. Made of soft and comfortable materials, this chair is like sitting on cloud. The wrist and ankle restraints are padded to be comfortable for those naughty little encounters. The Velcro straps are adjustable to fit most sizes. Always use caution with restraint devices.

Because nothing says sexy like "KMart dorm furniture that requires a bicycle pump."

In what way is this chair "versatile"? You can strap someone into it in a normal sitting position. If you tried to put the person into some other position (rump up?) the chair would probably tip over. The chair seems patently incompatible with heavy S&M, acupuncture, knife play, spike heels, and most species of bestiality.

Also, regarding the picture on the box -- if you strap a woman into a chair before removing her one-piece leotard, you are too stupid to fuck.

Click to buy!
"It's Bound to Please!" Oh, ha.

Review: 4 Piece Cock & Ball Divider

"Made of high quality leather, this harness keeps your cock and balls away from your body to maintain your erection longer."

In case contact with your own abdomen would make you lose it immediately? You know those auto-abdomen-eroticists....

Also, where are the four pieces in the "Four Piece Cock & Ball Divider"? I'm counting, and I only see one ring and two straps (the most southerly of which will keep you from prematurely ejaculating if you are the sort of person for whom your own balls rubbing together is just too much).

This product apparently also makes your penis transparent.


Click to buy!

Clarification: reviewer methodology

After seeing the link on Jenisfamous, my mother was afraid to visit this site because she was under the impression that I was trying the sex toys myself.

I am not.

Press: welcome from Fleshbot!

This site is on Fleshbot today. Welcome!

Review: Fist of Adonis

The Fist of Adonis is notable in that it is not immediately identifiable by most people as a sex toy at all. It looks more like a prop for a low-budget horror film; strew a few of these and an occasional disembodied vagina on your front lawn, bring out the fake blood, and you have the beginning of a direct-to-video release.

The Fist of Adonis is a life-size rubber hand and arm.

That's it.

The description reads:

"Made to feel like the real thing. Crafted from an actual human hand, it is made of firm rubber. We recommend lubricant."

Yes, "we recommend lubricant." Because once you lube this puppy up and insert it into the body cavity of your choice, ecstasy will surely ensue!
Click to buy!

I was wondering why this is the fist of Adonis, specifically, instead of some male porn star, so I did some googling and came up with:

Adonis is a complex figure, for the outlines of his tale were fully part of Greek mythology, yet he also retains associations with his Semitic origins. The name "Adonis" is a variation of the Semitic word "Adonai", which means "lord", and which is also one of the names used to refer to YHWH in the Old Testament.

You could try taking the Fist of Adonis door-to-door to see if anyone would like to be fisted by God.

This product also creates the rather unfortunate impression that the correct way to fist someone with your actual, human arm is by forming a fist and then punching.

If there were fisting in Grand Theft Auto, I'm sure that's how it would go, but most non-video-game sex partners prefer a less violent approach.

I am also happy to report that this product comes in both "Ivory" and "Black." Long gone are the days that black people had access only to Ivory Fists of Adonis. Truly, our society has moved forward.

Guest Review: Rabbit Pearl Vibrator

Enjoy this guest review by illustrator Molly Crabapple of the Rabbit Pearl Vibrator, a.k.a. "The Rabbit" from Sex and the City.

Women of my generation may experience a deep (although, at the moment, non-sexual) welling of nostalgic feelings about Lisa Frank, designer of many winged-pegasus-enhanced spiral notebooks and Trapper Keepers.

The Rabbit Pearl Vibrator:
When Lisa Frank does Dildos

I love Lisa Frank.

Sure, she may be smarmy. She may overdo it on the hot pink. She may even draw subjects -- ballerina bunnies, for instance -- that make today's sophisticated 8 year old turn up their nose in disgust. But, though Frank's work is known to cause testicles to leap back into the body, I love her all the same.

This is why I'm so psyched to find out she made a vibrator.

She may deny it, but Lisa baby, this couldn't be made by anyone else. The Rabbit Pearl Vibrator is so feminine, so pink, so filled to the brim with pop-rocks, that it doesn't feel like being rammed with a giant cock at all. And that's the Lisa Frank way.

I suppose its only natural that Lisa expand into the artificial dong market. Girls move on from Dancing Dolphin (TM) stickers to the delights of womanhood. Who better than their favorite artist to usher them through those "awkward years"?

It's the idealism of Lisa's project that really gets me. I see a movement. I see slumber parties across the land, each equipped with their own rabbit. I see kindly gym teachers. I see locker rooms after soccor practice. I see Lisa's dream, in all it's pink sapphic grandeur. Frankly, it brings tears to my eyes.

NOTE: Lisa Frank does not admit responsibility for the Pink Pearl Rabbit Vibrator.

- Molly Crabapple

Click to buy!
(Editor's Note: The package says, in true Lisa Frank style, "Built for ears & ears of fun!")

Review: Titty Blow Masturbator

"Vaginas, Pocket Pals & Dolls" may sound to you like a Broadway musical, but it is actually a product category in the Sarcastic Sex Toy Store.

Like the Blueberry Tart Jelly Pocket Tush, this product promises to disembody a body part you never before realized could stand alone. Like an anus with a power pack, the Titty Blow Masturbator looks much like a cloning experiment conducted under questionable ethical guidelines, except with a special place reserved for your member.

Now, when I hear the phrase "titty blow," I, like any decent young woman, think about doing coke off someone's bosoms.

However, in this contest, "titty blow" refers to the "blow job" you will be receiving from this silicone facsimile mouth. The "titties" are smushed up against, and attached to, the mouth, to create the ecstasy-inducing sensation of extra chunks of plastic somewhere in the vicinity of your testicles.

In order to maintain the portability of this device, it seems that the "titties" have been scaled down to a fraction of their normal size, while retaining their spherical shape, so if you enjoy women who, under the right circumstances, would be able to swallow their own breasts whole, the Titty Blow Masturbator is for you.

The product description -- finely hand-crafted by a copywriter living in a special group home -- boasts "Just shove your dick over the titties and pass the jelly gums, look out titty toy here I cum."

I don't know about you, but I'd like to see more erotic product phraseology containing the phrase "jelly gums." That gets me every time.
Click to buy!

Guest Review: Blue Jelly Multi-Speed Vibe 6 1/2" – Clit

Enjoy this guest review from Sam Means, Onion headline writer, New Yorker cartoonist, and comedy television writer.

Waterproof Delights - Blue Jelly Multi-Speed Vibe 6 1/2" – Clit

Some years ago a few friends and I were watching "Talk Sex With Sue," that old lady who gives sex advice late at night on the Oxygen network. Were we stoned or something? I don't know. I don't want to speculate.

But she was talking about using vibrators, and had two important pieces of advice: most vibrators are not for underwater use -- so don't use 'em in the tub! -- and most vibrators are not for anal play, because they are too stiff and straight.

In all likelihood, then, using a vibrator for anal play in the tub would require MARS (Massive Anal Reconstructive Surgery). And no one wants MARS.

This vibrator, however, solves both those problems. It is jelly, and thus would likely be totally acceptable for anal play, and it is explicitly advertised as being waterproof. So if you want a vibrator in your ass in the tub, your day has come.
Click to buy!
Also, it has a "clit-tickling base." I've heard of these, and they bother me. Because in other ways I consider my own equipment superior to any dildo or vibrator, but I am sorely lacking a clit-tickling base. Are there plastic surgeons that specialize in surgically implanting clit-tickling bases into men born without them (such as myself)? For now, I guess I would have to recommend using one of these "Blue Waterproof Delights" instead of having intercourse with a man, though.

- Sam Means

Visit Sam's blog here. And come see Sam read his rejected Onion headlines at the Jenny Vaudeville Show this Wednesday night.

Guest Review: Kong the Realistic

I have asked some of my fellow blogging comedians to contribute guest reviews to this blog. And now, from comedian/musician Joshua Grosvent, a review of Kong the Realistic (Vibrating).

Now, when I am looking to purchase a sex tool -- I refuse to call them "toys" because what I am doing in the bedroom is 100% business -- but when I am looking for a new tool to add to my belt, I have a few strict criteria that I stick to. The first is that the price MUST be $69 because as we all know, that's the funniest of numbers.

Also, it must be at least 85% realistic because not only do I want my partner to be pleased, I also like to use the retired ones in my Halloween Funhouse and let's get real, a lime green 15 inch dick just doesn't scare the kids. And third, it MUST have a name that demands power and authority. With that said, when I saw "Kong The Realistic" I simply had to have it. It was so realistic that my grandmother whole-heartedly believed that her kitchen table had gone sprung a dick.

One of my favorite features is the realistic pubic hair. We've all gone to the barber and asked to donate our hair to Locks of Love, but sometimes our locks just don't meet the length requirement for those poor sick kids. Fear not, because they still go to a worthy cause; the fine folks over at Doc Johnson have incorporated your extra strands into products such as Janet – Bottoms Up w/ Hair and the aforementioned Kong.

But down to business- when something claims to be 9 inches with a 2.5 inch girth, I expect every centimeter and with Kong, I was not let down. Now, let me clarify that I am not a homosexual and I stick strictly to the ladies, but I have never been a fan of those three-some parties. I like the bedroom to be a conference where the only clients are myself and my lady friend, but I also recognize that she might crave the occasional double and/or triple penetration and that is when I bring in my tools.

Kong performed like a star.* He held strong and hard until the meeting was over and I do believe everyone left happy in the end. I would recommend this product for all ages, shapes and sizes.

- Joshua Grosvent

*Note: For added longevity, I hard-wired "Kong" through a DC Converter and a Deep Cycle Marine battery with a panic/ kill switch. All water proof copper wiring and heat sealed connectors. I find we get more juice and distance out of the 12 volt deep cycle than the standard 2 "AA" suggested. E-mail me for the wiring diagram.

Click to buy!
Editor's note: OMG, Joshua said "gone sprung a dick"! See both Josh and me at the Jenny Vaudeville Show at Pete's Candy Store on Wednesday, August 10, 10pm.

Review: Kobe Tai Ultra Realistic Vibrating Vagina

The Kobe Tai Ultra Realistic Vibrating Vagina offers the following:

Molded directly from the Asian princess herself, Kobe Tai's pussy is a sight to behold. Made from ultra realistic material, this pussy expands to give every man a perfect fit. Multi-speed vibrations are controlled by the power pack.

However, I must object to the characterization of this mere facsimile vagina as "ultra realistic." While Kobe Tai's actual vagina vibrates at 40 Hz, this vagina vibrates at an unacceptable 26 Hz.

Additionally, Kobe Tai's real life vagina takes C batteries, not AAs.


Click to buy!

Review: Blueberry Tart Jelly Pocket Tush

Of all the products in the "Anal Pocket Pals" category, I chose the Blueberry Tart Jelly Pocket Tush because of its liltingly innocent name.

"Made of super soft jelly, the blueberry tart is the perfect portable pocket ass. Multi-speed vibrations are controlled by the power pack."

Who knew you could disembody an anus?

As compared to the Janet Bottoms Up or the Futurotic Piece of Ass ("allows you into the backdoor to ecstasy!"), the Blueberry Tart Jelly Pocket Tush sounds so benign and childlike. Like one of Strawberry Shortcake's friends. Once upon a fine summer's day, Strawberry, Orange Blossom, and Blueberry Tart Jelly Pocket Tush were having a tea party....

It's like the portable anus you could bring home to mother.


Click to buy!
Tush! Who says "tush" anymore?

link to this site

Here is a button you can use to link to this site.


Just link it back to www.sarcasticsex.com

Review: bondage device illustrations

The Deluxe Head Harness with Gag is "made of high quality black leather with red stitching and holds your partner's head still while you perform naughty sexual acts on them. Can be attached to anything by using the loop behind the head. Removable gag is made of high density rubber and can be attached to the harness by 4 snaps. Adjustable to fit most people. Always use caution when using restraints."

Attached to anything using the loop behind the head?

Honey, don't mind me, I'm just attaching your Deluxe Head Harness with Gag to this moving bus.

A variety of products in the Sarcastic Sex Toy Store feature charming illustrations such as that of the surprised-looking fellow above. It's like the illustrator is trying to transport us back to Victorian England, or to an Edward Gorey book that will keep your children from ever asking you to read them a story again.

Dog Collar


Snap Collar, Studded


Deluxe Head Harness with Gag


Buckled Ankle Restraints, Pair


Buckled Fleece-Lined Wrist Restraint


Wrist/Forearm Gauntlet Restraint

Two reviews: Sure-Grip Tighten-Her Cream and Stud Spray 100

The topic of this post will be Scary Substances You Should Not Apply to Your Genitals.

Item number one is Sure Grip Tighten-Her Cream, listed in the category -- who knew there was a category?! -- of "vaginal shrink formulas."


Click to buy!
This reminds me of a medieval-themed porno I once saw in which Gidget the Midget (a dwarf porn star not to be confused with Bridget the Midget, who is hotter) played the shrunken-down version of a regular porn star, who was a good witch who had attracted the jealousy of the evil queen. I was very sad for Gidget, not only because her dwarf-ness was being treated as an evil curse, but because the key to breaking the evil curse was that the now-dwarfed princess had to find true love -- which, she feared, would be impossible as a dwarf. Pornos are simply not supposed to feature midget porn starlets having sex with several men in medieval costume (hang with me, that part's fine) and then, after they leave, lamenting "How will I ever get anyone to fall in love with me?"

That was the saddest porno I ever saw.

Anyway, this cream is supposed to just shrink your vagina, not all of you. So, let's review. Vaginal tightening cream "awards him the sinfully stimulating sensation of a virgin vagina." Full-body shrinkage in proportion to your newly-tiny vagina means that no one will ever love you.

Great! Now that we've got that down, let's move on to non-FDA approved substances for men.

Stud Spray 100 "is designed to help men delay ejaculation and prolong the pleasures of sex; it has a fast acting Lidocaine base that is safe and easy to use."


Click to buy!
In other words, it's a penile anesthetic. Funny, how we have all kinds of cultural stereotypes about the fun sex lives of, say, pizza delivery men or private eyes (popular porno professions), but no one ever says "You're an anesthesiologist? You must have the best sex life ever!"

Study Spray 100 also offers the following benefits:

• Helps in cases of over-rapid or premature ejaculation
  
• Pre-measured metered pump for topical application - contains no cfc's

You hear that, kids? No CFCs! For those of you who remember environmentalism circa 1988, chloroflourocarbons are the chemicals that come out of (or used to come out of) aerosol bottles, thereby destroying the ozone layer.

So now you can anesthetize your penis -- without damaging the ozone layer!

Hurry up and buy some Stud Spray 100!

p.s. -- You think you can put anesthetic spray on someone's penis without it getting all over, say, your vagina? Just a hint. There's a reason no one sells vaginal anesthetic spray.

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