Monday, March 05, 2012

Review: The Senso Cock Pleaser

Somewhere in a wood-paneled '70s holdover ranch house in Burbank, retired porn-stars-turned-marketing-executives slicked back their mullets, checked their acrylic nails, and buckled down to work on the advertising text for the Senso Cock Pleaser:
This super stretchy cock pleaser is better than the real thing! Just spread her legs and ravage her tight, soft pussy!
The Senso Cock Pleaser is, it seems, sister to the Butt Banger, both of them stretchy, miniature, decapitated love dolls.

"Better than the real thing?" By that, I wonder, is it meant that having sex with the Senso Cock Pleaser is superior to sex with a full-size, living woman, or that sex with the Senso Cock Pleaser is superior to having sex with a life-and-blood stretchy, miniature, decapitated Tinkerbell?

I must agree, however, with the claim that this product offers a "tight pussy" -- in fact, I'd say that, as this product is a penis-sized facsimile woman, that, in fact, her entire torso is "tight."

Note from the photo that the tiny woman is not only headless, but also:
  • pigeon-toed
  • possessed of an enormously thick neck
Hott! I must admit that "having a neck thick enough to stretch around the penis of a man over 100 times one's own size" is not a feature most live women offer.
Click to buy!

Friday, February 10, 2012

Review: Butt Banger

For the first time here on, I am reviewing a gay male-themed toy, gifted with the stereotype-defying name "Butt Banger."

When I first beheld this object I had a hard time parsing its anatomy, which is never a good sign with a sex toy. For a handheld device, the orifice seems precariously tiny, which, if your $26.75 is supposed to get you multiple uses of the Butt Banger, likely indicates that the entire thing is very stretchy. Could be good, though; perhaps other portable anuses simply aren't elastic enough.

No no, the perplexing thing about the Butt Banger is that, when rendered as a handheld masturbation sleeve, the torso, buttocks, and thighs of a man bent over for rear entry look rather like a giant cock and balls, with the torso being the shaft and the buttocks being the balls and ... it's like a giant fractal! Like snowflakes and snail shells, portable anal masturbators are truly part of the wondrous web of nature's majesty. In fact, I might go so far as to say that the Butt Banger is proof of intelligent design! Who but a crafty god could have had a hand in this?

As in the case of the Titty Blow Masturbator, in which the breasts have been scaled down in order to be conveniently affixed to the lower chin, the Butt Banger features a scaled-up set of "teasing balls and penis for incredible stimulation," bent backwards from the tiny headless body so as to rub you the right way.

So, if you fantacize about having anal intercourse with a Lilliputian, removing his internal organs and replacing them with lube, and then filling up his entire headless body with your penis, this toy is for you!

Click to buy!

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Review: Cyberskin 3" Penis Extension

The ambiguously-named Cyberskin 3" Penis Extension causes me, first off, to wonder whether the ware on offer is a three-inch extension for a penis, or an extension for a three-inch penis. Either way, ponder this:
This delightfully stretchy penis extension is made of CyberSkin, so you don't have to worry about sacrificing the look and feel of a real penis in order to make the most of the man you have! 3" may not sound like a lot, but it's definitely enough to make a big difference in how satisfying penetration feels. Best of all, the comfortable, skin-like material won't irritate him, so he'll be happy to wear this sensual sleeve for as long as you want! Don't be disappointed in your man's member any longer -- slip on the CyberSkin and have some fun!
I'll take it from the top:

  • "Delightfully stretchy"? Nothing delightful about a stretchy penis, synthetic or organic, extended or "classic."

  • "3" may not sound like a lot"? Er ... have you gotten the average vagina confused with a federal highway system?

  • "Best of all, the comfortable, skin-like material won't irritate him" -- well, physically, anyway. Well, except for the part about losing all sensation in the head of his penis. But I doubt he'd even notice with all the effort he now has to expend to maintain an erection while nursing a psyche now shattered like dollar-store peanut brittle. Anyone have a lifelike "ego extension" for sale?

  • "...he'll be happy to wear this sensual sleeve for as long as you want!" -- Such as in line at the DMV? While crying?

Click to buy!

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Review: 8" Realistic Cock W/E-Z Rider Ball

While my job here is to mock erotic novelties that look especially ungratifying, I must say that the 8" Realistic Cock W/E-Z Rider Ball does look like a person might receive her money's worth; sure, it's $73.25, but it's really quite a lot of sex toy.

That being said, the 8" Realistic Cock W/E-Z Rider Ball is clearly a replica of a common child's toy (sold here at Amazon as the "Ball Bounce & Sport Fun Hopper") that has, as Joshua Grosvent so eloquently put it, "gone sprung a dick."

Click to buy!

Not a sex toy.

My primary question is: just where in a Manhattan apartment does one keep an inflatable dildo ball? It appears that the dildo is removable, meaning I could perhaps store the dildo in a dresser drawer and camouflage the inflatable ball as a mere children's toy, hoping that no actual children visit and begin playing with it, because that would be creepy. However, not many adult women keep any type of inflatable toy balls around, so it would still be a bit suspicious, and besides, it is flesh-colored.

The other option would be to not only detach the dildo but also deflate the ball every time I store the 8" Realistic Cock W/E-Z Rider Ball, which means I'd have to blow it back up every time I wanted to use it, which is not generally a suitable "mood-setting" activity. Even if you're just trying to treat yourself right, no one wants to stop and inflate their E-Z ball (or worse yet, pull out the bike pump).

I suppose you could just store the whole thing upright in a closet, ready for action. Maybe toss a sweater over it.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Review: Inflatable Bondage Chair

I read a joke today that prompted me to go review an S&M product for you:
One day a man came home from work to find his wife crying hysterically in the kitchen.

"What's wrong, dearest?" asked the confused husband.

"Oh darling," sobbed the wife, "I was cleaning little Suzie's room when I found whips, handcuffs and chains under her bed, along with a sadomasochistic porn magazine! What ever are we going to do?"

"Well," replied the man... "I guess a spanking is out of the question?"
Mmn-hmmn. And if you're looking for some good, wholesome S&M, why not try the inflatable bondage chair?
You will be bound to please your partner with this versatile Inflatable Bondage chair. Made of soft and comfortable materials, this chair is like sitting on cloud. The wrist and ankle restraints are padded to be comfortable for those naughty little encounters. The Velcro straps are adjustable to fit most sizes. Always use caution with restraint devices.
Because nothing says sexy like "KMart dorm furniture that requires a bicycle pump."

In what way is this chair "versatile"? You can strap someone into it in a normal sitting position. If you tried to put the person into some other position (rump up?) the chair would probably tip over. It needs a counterweight. This chair seems patently incompatible with heavy S&M, acupuncture, knife play, particularly pointy high heels, and that fun thing where one of you dresses up like a Transformer.

Also, regarding the picture on the box -- if you strap a woman into a chair before removing her one-piece leotard, you are too stupid to fuck.

Click to buy!

"It's Bound to Please!" Oh, ha.